Now that I’m married I like to contemplate love quite a lot. When you don’t have “your person,” you go through tons of different phases. You put up with way too much BS from people who don’t love you, you have way too much self doubt, you are too hard yourself at times, lack faith sometimes and also have some genuinely, wonderful relationships along the way; all of which teach us something. But now that I love someone and he loves me, I don’t know why.
I can’t look back at my life and say, “Oh, it was because I did this and this and this or he did that and that and that” and that’s why those relationships didn’t work out. Being yourself and not trying to change each other is SUPER important. But there’s a part of me that feels that there really is some magic in the world that lets you believe, feel and think differently about the person you truly love.
A friend once said to me when I got engaged, “Well done!” And I thought it was SUCH NONSENSE! Like falling in love is some kind of achievement? I literally laughed in his face! But it’s stayed with me and I’ve often thought of it, “Well done.” Well done? What does that mean? Is that saying that we have SO much control over love that we can actually set it as a goal and make it a reality ? As if ANY dream is that easy to make come true! A part of me feels, ‘yes, thank goodness, well done’ and another part of me feels like love is not an achievement, but rather a happy, happy accident. One that you can wish and apply yourself to, but not something you can control or make happen authentically.
Understanding the Concept of Love
When I look at Mr John and see how much he loves me, I can see it from an outsider’s point of view. I can see that he loves me SO much.
Why does he love me?
Like, literally, what is the love and why does he feel it?
When you’re loved as much as I am, the answer doesn’t feel like it’s in my looks or eyes or smile or humour, it really does feel like it’s some kind of magical spell!
That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve love, it means that sometimes it feels like it’s a power bigger than us that just keeps us together. The only other person who has loved me as much as Mr John loves me is my Mother. That’s a very strange thing to say, but that’s how it feels. It feels that I am loved in spite of my character, unconditionally. Which is a pretty big deal considering spousal love is “nothing” but conditional.
All You Need is Love
“Love” isn’t easy. Even when you love someone wholeheartedly and they love you, love’s not easy. I think about whether “all you need is love” is true, quite often. It is true? Is it absolute rubbish?
I feel like it’s a ridiculous notion. Love DOES NOT pay the rent, the mobile bills, feed the kids, feed the cat, fill the car or clothe you. So no, love is NOT all you need and when those things start going out the window, love can get tiresome very quickly.
But, in another way, sometimes love IS all you need. If I think about sailing on a gondola in Venice or crying, crying, crying to Mr John because work’s been shit – am I worrying about what pair of shoes I have on? Am I worrying about the telephone bill? Nope. It’s like, when you’re hitting raw emotion, all that ‘stuff’ goes out the window and I can just look him dead in the eye and cry without judgment. (Unless you’re literally having an argument about money and then those things will come up! But, again, you’re arguing the point, not the literal phone in your hand or shoes on your feet because if you were arguing about the literal things then you would chuck your shoes out the window and cancel your mobile bill. It’s NOT like you can’t give it back.)
What is Love?
Sometimes I look at other men and I wonder if they could love me as much as Mr John does. I look at them and I think, “I believe you are capable of loving. I believe you would love in your own unique way.” But I’m not convinced that they would love me as much as Mr John does. Sometimes I think, “Well maybe they would love me more or better?” But I don’t believe that either. Mr John loves me in a way that has no explanation. I literally could not tell you why he loves me and I don’t think he knows either.
(Sure he says it’s because I’m the world’s greatest chef, housekeeper, worker, supermodel, friend, colleague and all those things that I’m FLAWLESS at cause I’m perfect, OTHER than that… 😉 )
After the Love is Gone
Sometimes I think about Mr John not loving me anymore. One day, he wakes up and he simply just does not love me anymore. We’re married, it’s a REAL reality! The truth is that I feel like there would be absolutely NOTHING I COULD DO about that. NOTHING. Nothing I could do to change his mind and get him back. I feel like the connection we share is a little extraterrestrial. Like a spell or a science or a chemistry. And if the universe would shift, that it would dislodge that chemistry and dissolve, and that could mean that we would be changed forever.
I know that seems hectic, like it’s out of my control, like I can’t keep it. It’s crazy. But it also makes me feel SO LUCKY! I honestly feel so, so lucky that I’ve even stumbled into this universal chemistry lab with some magic spilled on him and some magic spilled on me and now we are together on the planet.
I know that relationships also have boundaries where you can overstep the mark and keep putting yourself first OR you can always hold the relationship in the number 1 spot and always be living to it, like a code. Don’t doubt the magic, but don’t test the magic either because maybe you will cause the worlds to shift and then it will be gone. It’s a very precious thing to lose.
I’m very independent and like to go out a lot. Mr John is an introvert and likes to stay in. So I go out alot with my girlfriends without him! I love it, he loves it. BUT. There’s a code. There’s a higher agreement that you live to and you DO NOT FUCK with it. And if you do, well then you start dissolving the magic yourself. You put cracks in the truth of what love is and you let in the shadows. Love it like the Rain Forest, when you start bringing machines into it, it opens up the possibility of the river changing course. Something like that! Some it of is in your control.
Do You Believe in Magic?
Sometimes I think about psychics or about people who can see energy around humans and I wonder what they see? I’m Pisces so I’m REALLY influenced by the world, and emotions, around me. Mr John is Libra and he’s SO UNAFFECTED by the world around him. The successes and failures of others mean almost nothing to him, he lives totally independently of their lives, whereas I compare myself ALL THE TIME. Not in a negative way, I just feel the impact of the world around me far more greatly. (And, honestly, yes, sometimes in a negative way.)
I wonder about those energy seers and I question, Are we chemistry drunk? Can they see that we don’t really have a connection? Can they see that he’s an alien and I’m too human? Can they see that we have a greater chemistry than many combos in eons gone by and we’re actually rewriting the chemistry of love? What, scientifically, is really going on with us? I don’t have an answer.
All the Single Ladies
I think about those who don’t have partners. I think about those who aren’t happily married. I think about those who loved and lost and I WISH I could tell them how to find love again. I WISH being married meant that you know exactly what you have to do and you could do it again. But it doesn’t.
It really, really, REALLY doesn’t.
Sure, you learn to put up with WAY less BS, but I also feel like that’s the privilege of being loved. And, if I was single again, I wouldn’t be so self-assured and would probably put up with BS in the pursuit of love again. I don’t want to judge others – is my point.
Because You Loved Me
I know that I am, without question, the person I am today because Mr John loves me. A lot of things,
read me, have changed in the last 5 years and I KNOW I would not be the person I am today without Mr John. His love gives me the courage to live my best life. I don’t always get it right and I’m not always fearless. But he gives me a solid ground to fall back down on while I try to rise up.
I wish I had a better ending for this blog post. I wish that I could give you some incredible insight. I can only encourage you to have faith. There’s no reason why one human should be loved over you. It’s a kind of magic that only the chemistry of the universe can control which means it’s up and available for anyone. Have faith, be open and know you deserve love no more or no less than anyone else, dead or alive.